Undercover
by lirance
Summary: He didn’t understand why they had to pluck out his eyebrows. Bakumatsu Kenshin goes undercover...Part 3 up: The vicecommander of the Shinsengumi wants to bed a crossdressing Ishin Shishi hitokiri.
1. Chapter 1

Rurouni Kenshin © Nobuhiro Watsuki

* * *

He knew that this mission was a great honour. He understood that it was vital for the Ishin Shishi. He agreed that it was the best plan. He just didn't understand why they had to pluck out his eyebrows.

Himura Kenshin was kneeling in a tatami room, squirming as the okami of the inn clicked the tweezers together thoughtfully. It had all sounded so simple, so essential when Katsura-san had laid out the preparations. Only three hours, a short dinner banquet that the Shinsengumi were holding. They only needed one undercover geisha. Could he possibly…?

The okami swooped in with her tweezers and yanked out an offending ginger hair. He bit back a whimper and stared at a particularly ugly wall-scroll. Why on earth did the innkeeper have such a hideous scroll anyway? Wasn't that the one her sister-in-law had given her last New Year? He could still see the singe marks around the edges.

Kenshin didn't think that he'd ever see such a scene again- the okami touching a glowing cinder to the paper with unholy glee, the unwelcome relative "just nipping back in to pick up a shawl I forgot…" and blood all over the walls…His hand still ached on cold, damp nights after _that_ debacle.

He focused back on the room and his surroundings just as the okami gathered a particularly thick cluster of eyebrow under her tweezers and _yanked_. Maybe he should remind her about the scroll…was that a bucket of hot wax Sango had just carried in? On second thoughts, maybe not.

There was a muffled snigger, and Kenshin looked up to glower at one of the other patriots dressing in the corner of the tatami room. It was _fine_ for them, they simply had to disguise themselves as servants, or lie in wait as reinforcements. Why shouldn't they have to dress as geisha too? He looked at the other Ishin Shishi.

Yoshida rather reminded him of a doll he'd seen once on a stall. The potter had shaped the clay into a man, and then placed one hand on the head, the other on the feet, and _stretched_ it out.

Tanaka would need a license to pass as _human_, let alone as a _woman_.

Inoue could have possibly passed as a woman...if he were, say, twelve inches shorter …a different nose…not quite built so much like a sumo wrestler…Kenshin gave up.

He cursed Katsura's chivalry- the traitor had refused to let any of the maids venture into such danger. And furthermore, he cursed his employer's idiocy in putting _him_ in charge of this band of misfits. He could handle 'slicey' and 'no slicey' but leadership skills were beyond him. As was eyebrow plucking.

One of the maids, Sango picked up a comb and dipped in the wax. '_She can't…she cannot be…' _ "Nnnngh!"

Hot wax and hair are not naturally inclined to met, not even during the most humorous of accidents. At least geisha's hairdressers had a certain degree of skill- Sango's complete and utter _lack_ of hand-eye co-ordination ensured an experience so agonising that Saitou's wildest dreams didn't even begin to touch it. Kenshin's sharp eyes picked out the splotches of black dye on her hands from when she had coloured his hair. More of the dye had spilled on _her _than his head.

He understood that the wax would be needed to style the elaborate geisha hair arrangement; he just didn't understand why _Sango_ had to do it, and why on earth she was waving that pin so close to his face…

Oh. It was just a hairpin. Kenshin released the girl's arm and tried to look suitably abashed when Okami glared at him. It was simply _reflexes_, not a desire for bloody, screaming, vicious revenge _at all_…

Kenshin felt that the amount of force the innkeeper used on the rest of his hair was quite unnecessary.

His eyes followed her hands as she rubbed wax into the skin of his face and moistened a brush to paint on the white make up. It was cold, and he blinked as she swept it in long, arching strokes. He found it rather relaxing…

"_Itai!_ That was my _eye_!"

"Oh, don't be such a baby!"

Katsura's death would be long, lingering and satisfyingly bloody.

He glowered at Okami as she quickly and efficiently spread paint across his lips and used a stick of burnt paulownia wood to pencil in his eyebrows. The damned woman was _humming_.

"There! Just the kimono now!"

Relaxing slightly, he slouched back a little…then bit back a scream.

Pink.

Fluffy little rabbits gambolled in green and yellow fields, delicately nibbling on powder blue flowers against a pink sunset. The obi was decorated with soft cherry blossoms.

That was _definitely_ unholy glee in Okami's face. He was barely aware of his body moving.

Katsura wandered into the room, almost casually, a faint trace of concern in his almond-dark eyes, "is everything alright?"

Okami and Sango simply pointed.

"Oh, dear. Himura-san, could you please come down from there?"

After ten minutes of bribes, threats and warnings, Kenshin finally allowed himself to be coaxed down from his high perch. He was still sulking as the long, heavy _pink_ silk was wrapped around his body.

"Done! Uh, you don't need to run _that_ fast…"

In the hallway, Iidzuka whistled, "nice kimono, Battousai-san!"

Kenshin wondered if it was too late to fetch his sword. A bloodbath sounded good right now, or possibly seppuku…

* * *

AN: Okami is another name for a Japanese innkeeper. A customer would simply call him/her Okami-san.

Sango is just a random OC I created on the fly.

Seppuku, otherwise known as hara-kiri, is ritual Japanese suicide.


	2. Chapter 2

Rurouni Kenshin © Nobuhiro Watsuki.

* * *

Chapter Two

His wooden geta sandals clacked loudly as he walked, the fading sun smearing the pale sky red.

'_Okay. It can't be that hard. Lean forward slightly, small, dainty steps….'_

It worked well enough until he took one little misstep and overbalanced. The resulting accident somersaulted him into a small bush.

Kenshin dragged himself out of the sharp branches, hastily checking his kimono for rips and furtively confirming that he could sense no other ki in the area. He really didn't want to have to kill Iidzuka for spying…well, maybe that one wasn't entirely true, but he didn't think that Katsura would take it well if he strung the other man's intestines around the inn like gory festival decorations.

Hm. That was a good mental image.

Abruptly, he sensed approaching ki and hastily brushed the dirt from his silk kimono. Katsura, Iidzuka and several other patriots were closing in, and he could feel the flickers of amusement in their ki. The bastards.

"Himura-san? Ano…"

Was it an offence to disembowel one's leader for laughing?

"You forgot your, uh, dancing fan…"

Screw regulations. He was going to _flambé _the bastard.

He took the fan and snapped it open. The others flinched.

"Maybe you shouldn't open it quite like that, Himura-san. It's a _dancing_ fan, not a tessen."

Forget Katsura, he was going to make a permanent example of Iidzuka.

Another Ishin Shishi, a messenger from a different faction, chose that moment to walk into the clearing, and saw the lord of Choshu and one of his men being threatened by the sharp edge of a rather pretty young geisha's fan. Did they normally have yellow eyes? He wondered if it was some sort of trade secret.

She _was_ pretty. Maybe she wouldn't object to a little sweet-talking.

Kenshin hastily snapped the fan back into his obi and furtively tried to get rid of the amber eyes, but sadly only succeeded in producing a rather nauseating shade of orange.

He shifted from one uncomfortable geta sandal to another, impatiently waiting for the fool to finish blathering about supply routes in Osaka. Katsura and Iidzuka managed to suppress their amusement for long enough to listen seriously to the message. The Choshu lord turned away to discuss the news with a lieutenant, leaving Kenshin, Iidzuka and the messenger.

'_Don't say a word…not a word…'_

"What's your name, beautiful?"

A wet choking noise erupted from Iidzuka, as though an entire hamster had just lodged itself in his throat. Several of the other Ishin Shishi began to gather round. Only maybe two had grasped that perhaps the pretty woman wasn't a geisha, but they didn't seem willing to delve any further. Standards for joining revolutionary armies weren't terribly high, after all. In fact, the ability to wave a sword around seemed to be the only prerequisite.

"Say, you seem a little…aggressive for a woman. But hey, I like that in a girl!"

Kenshin's hand very slowly began to rise to the very sharp, very painful pins in his hair.

"You aren't very friendly for such a pretty young woman."

The hitokiri slid a handful of pins from his hair and raised his head to reveal eyes that, through some strange trick of the light, appeared to be glowing crimson. "That would be because I am a man!"

It took twenty-seven minutes to drag him away from the bleeding messenger, and another thirty to persuade the victims to stop screaming in terror.

"Well, you do look very pretty like that, Battousai-san!"

"Iiiiiiidddddzukaaaaaaaa!"

"For the love of…Himura! Put that fan down this minute! And Iidzuka…just, just shut the hell up!"

Okami had belatedly returned to shape the chaos into some semblance of order. Kenshin subsided under the threat of hot wax, and sulkily allowed the innkeeper to confiscate the fan and the six hairpins that he had secreted in his clothing. Fortunately for him, she hadn't found the other seventeen pins and the wakizashi…

There was a moan from the corner where Katsura was sipping a cup of tea with a mild sedative in it, and fervently wishing for something stronger. Something like, say, opium.

The innkeeper glowered at the sulking hitokiri, "Himura! Repeat after me: for the next three hours, I am Hotaru, a shy young maiko accompanied by my dresser, Yamada, for modesty…"

"For the next three hours, I am Hotaru, a homicidal young maiko seeking revenge on my perverted dresser, Yamada…"

"Himura! You should- oh, dear, has Katsura-san bought some opium from the yakuza again? I suppose that I will have to take charge."

"You always do," Kenshin muttered.

"I'm subtle about it though, dear. Now where were we? Oh, never mind. Off you go!"

"But, Okami-san…"

"Please, Yoshida-san, just get rid of them. I don't care how. Just go. Oh, and could you drag Katsura-san into a corner or something? I don't want to trip over the poor dear."

"Okami-san! Our leader is-"

"Just fish him out of the koi pond, dear. He should be fine."

An only faintly conscious, half-drowned Katsura blearily wondered if it was the opium that was talking to him. He'd never hire such a bunch of misfits. Right from tomorrow, the Ishin Shishi would have a culling of the ranks. Beginning with Himura and Iidzuka. And that blasted messenger would be taken outside and shot. Or at least, there would be a culling when he could summon the will to live, let alone move.

* * *

Notes: Geta are wooden sandals worn by Japanese women. Geisha's geta, especially those that maiko wear are rather…difficult to walk in. Type in 'maiko geta' in google and you'll see what I mean…

Maiko- an apprentice geisha

Tessen- folding fans with outer spokes made of iron that were designed to look like regular, harmless folding fans and often used as discrete weapons.


	3. Chapter 3

Rurouni Kenshin © Nobuhiro Watsuki. Chapter 3- it's a long one 00 1100+ words. Enjoy!

* * *

Kenshin's hand clenched on Yoshida's arm as he wobbled down the street, wooden geta slipping on the wet stone and packed dirt of the street.

'_If I hear one more snigger…just one more…'_

Yoshida glanced at his face and blanched, almond dark eyes drifting to the blood under the Battousai's fingernails. Should he mention it…? Another look at the hitokiri's face and he promptly swallowed his words. Living to see thirty was an inviting prospect. Not even his _mother-in-law_ could quite equal that ferocity, although she did have rather a penetrating glower reserved for when he spilt mud on the tatami mats.

Kenshin's head snapped round when he heard a faint voice whispering, "uh, Battousai-san? Your eyes are, well, they're sort of, well, yellow. Maybe you could, I don't know, tone down the homicidal tendencies?"

Those yellow eyes focused on Inoue's face, _"homicidal tendencies? _Do I _look_ homicidal to you?"

Inoue almost bit through his tongue, and frantically suppressed the urge to reply, _'well, you do bear rather a striking resemblance to a maddened Genghis Khan in a kimono.'_

The Ishin Shishi had three big rules:

Avoid innuendo in any way, shape or form around Iidzuka

Don't mention the word opium near Katsura

Never, ever piss off a certain red haired patriot who can knock you through a wall so hard you'll wake up believing that you are the divine emperor of Kazakhstan (No one had ever had the heart to tell Nakamura otherwise after his unfortunate 'sparring' accident…) and quite possibly missing several body parts

The gates of the Mori-ya beckoned, and they increased their pace, Kenshin muttering filthy curses about wet paving stones, wolves of any description and every wretched sandal maker in Japan. Two Shinsengumi levelled hard gazes at them from their guard positions, "Halt!"

Iidzuka fixed an ingratiating smile on his face, one which Kenshin rather uncharitably described as his ass licking grin, "Hotaru, accompanied by Yamada Hanatarou." He peremptorily gestured for the rest of the group to leave.

Yoshida, Inoue and Tanaka slunk away, two of them visibly shaking, the other almost catatonic. All three were mentally revising their applications for transfer to Hokkaido. Siberia if possible. The Ishin Shishi could always use some new recruits. Even if they were reindeer. Reindeer could bite, right? Very intimidating animals, reindeer. Big antlers.

Raising a hand, one of the Shinsengumi waved Iidzuka and Kenshin into the compound. Inside, a maid led them to the banqueting room, casting awed glances at the "beautiful geisha."

The party was already in full swing. Kenshin gritted his teeth and glided over to the nearest Shinsengumi, fixing a seraphic smile on his face that verged on 'high as a kite', touching on 'eying up the shochu with vicious intent' and with just a little hint of, 'die you Shogunate bastard.' The soldier took a step back.

He took the bottle of spirits from the other man's hand, taking what he viewed as a healthy sip, and what Iidzuka personally saw as enough to permanently disconnect oneself from reality. It sounded like an attractive prospect.

Suddenly, a voice called out, "how about a dance?"

Kenshin felt the bottle slide from nerveless fingers. His Ishin Shishi companion snatched it and began his path down the long, slippery route from frightened terror to peaceful oblivion, and through there to vegetation.

The shamisen player smiled at him, "let's try Gionkouta."

"The Ballads of Gion. I don't quite know that one yet," he muttered through gritted teeth. He was going to eat Harada Sanosuke's eyeballs for _that_ suggestion.

"Just do your best, dear. _They_ won't notice. If in doubt, just make it up as you go along."

Snapping his fan open, he waited for the first strains of music to emerge. Iidzuka was no help- he was already cross-eyed, swigging from the bottle of spirits with increasing vigour.

'_Geisha, geisha…graceful. Light. As beautiful as a flower, and as gracious and flexible as a willow tree. That's what Okami said.'_

He whirled the fan around in vaguely dance-like motions and spun around in a little circle. The Shinsengumi were bemused. The three hidden Ishin Shishi operatives watched him with unfolding amusement, fading into horrified fascination. The fan made long, lazy arching swoops as he gyrated.

'_Buddha, please, please don't let me fall into Saitou Hajime's lap…'_

The captain's mouth was hanging open slightly as he watched with a certain…terror? Kenshin threw the heavy dancing fan into the air and caught it smoothly with the other hand. He could handle this. It was almost like sword fighting. Make a pretty display, keep them watching the hands and pray that they don't notice the footwork or the intent in the eyes…

And don't drop your bloody fan.

There was laughter, and he heard Okita Souji's soft tones, "oh, dear. Never mind. More sake, Hijikata-san?"

The small incident was forgotten in a wash of alcohol. Kenshin picked up his fan and snapped it closed, straightening when he heard a voice. Saitou.

"I was not aware that the standard Geisha repertoire included that particular dance."

'_No. No. I'd rather speak to Demon Hijikata, or- anybody! Anyone but him'._

Forcing his tones into an upper register, he squeaked out, "really? It's a new dance. Very new!"

"Indeed."

Saitou was smiling. That was good. '_Stupid is funny. Funny is harmless. Harmless means not having my kidneys ripped out…'_

Kenshin forced a smile, eyes downcast to hide a betraying glint of amber, "do please excuse me a moment." He hurried over to Iidzuka before the captain could object. The man was leaning against a wall, sprawled out like a child. A maid knelt beside him. Kenshin vaguely recognised her as a nameless, faceless Ishin Shishi shinobi from a long ago meeting.

He sighed in exasperation and knelt down next to the girl, slapping Iidzuka sharply in the face with his dancing fan. The man didn't stir. He did it again for the hell of it. And again for an inappropriate remark from the week before. Once more for good measure. Oh, and once for his comments about the kimono. Actually, make that twice…

The shinobi hissed, "Hotaru-san! You'll give him a concussion."

"Correction. I already _have_ given him a concussion." Oops… "he'll live" unfortunately.

A hand suddenly touched his shoulder, and he jolted. Hijikata's voice rumbled, "would you care for some assistance?"

Kenshin swallowed. There was something…predatory in those eyes. It hit him. Hijikata The most notorious pervert and lecher in the Shinsengumi, and probably in all of Kyoto. They said that he was always looking for new conquests…

Hijikata Toshizou smiled. Kenshin felt his vision blur as the sheer horror of the situation sunk in. The vice-commander of the Shinsengumi wanted to bed a cross-dressing Ishin Shishi hitokiri.

* * *

Notes: 

Shinobi are more commonly known as ninja.

Kenshin's 'alter-ego' is slightly based upon Hotaru from Peacemaker Kurogane.

Gionkouta is a real geisha dance

Thank you to all my reviewers:D


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